Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
