the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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