Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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