just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize