My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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