I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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