im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My pussy is not your playground.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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