I must be too annoying 4 u.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
