Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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