I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
