Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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