What a fucking waste of an outfit
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize