I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
