Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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