she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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