One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
