am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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