my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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