he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
