you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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