he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
