it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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