I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize