Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
