Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize