I want to have your abortion
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
did i walk over a car last night?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
