The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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