she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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