i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
