Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
