He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
