Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
