She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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