I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
