Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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