I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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