Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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