I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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