Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
