Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
