I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
