before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
