How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
