My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
