ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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