Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
