May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
