my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We have started to decorate penises.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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