Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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