Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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