I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
