Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
