Will you blow on my dice?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
