I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We left the knife in your bed.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
