A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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