My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize