i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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