i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
