I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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