she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
