on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
