Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I stole a fireplace last night.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
