New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
